Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
