I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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