my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
