I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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