someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
