I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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