i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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