i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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