Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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