I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
false alarm, still single
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
