I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
