i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
