we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
