My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
