My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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