Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
