I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
