oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
