I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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