I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
