bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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