btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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