new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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