1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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