i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
