I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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