I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
