Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
