Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
