Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
