she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
