he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
