Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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