Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
