Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
