38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
