The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
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You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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