There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
