Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
