At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
