btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
