I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
