Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Pants are for mortals
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
