Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
jump out the window naked night went bad
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
