genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
