My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
