SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
