Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
