I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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