I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
