I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i think i just lost a toe
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
