I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
