My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just invented taco cereal.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
