There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
