Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
