im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk