Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
